Dot-to-Dot (not Dot Dot)

So this week has been a little rough. I received 3 notices that I was not chosen for jobs I had applied for, but after this week I've decided that might've been a God send.

It's just been busy. I've had a lot on my plate and trying to budget my energy has been challenging. I'm discovering that no amount of sleep cures or gets rid of the fatigue MS cause. I have a hard time explaining it, but its seriously bone-deep fatigue. I sometimes sleep so that it will extend my energy...so I can make it through the day, but sleep doesn't make it go away.

And the headaches...

I had a little vision trouble last Thursday. Once I could open my eyes and see like a normal person, I had a headache...like "go home, crawl in a cool dark place or you're gonna throw up" headache. On a scale of 1-10 for headaches, it was an 8.5. This headache and I have had our ups and downs, somedays we get to a 2, but yet it remains....like a 6th toe. Good for nothing!

Went to the neuro. He thinks it migraines. Duh. I've had them FOREVER. Got steroids (they're not making the headache go away as he promised...just making me sweaty, nauseous and have indigestion). Got migraine meds. Got an appointment at The Headache Clinic...in AUGUST! I may claw my eyes out by then! And we are switching my MS meds.

Right now I feel like I'm somewhere in the middle of a Dot-to-Dot. Like 15 on my way to 100. I have no idea what the picture looks like. Right now I'm ok with that. I'm curious, but too exhausted with the process to think about Dot 16 much less Dot 100.

And for those of you who are curious, Dot Dot (or Dottie) is my in-laws dog. Clo-Clo (their pastor's daughter calls her Dot Dot). Clo-Clo also calls my mother-in-law Dot Dot. She's 2. It's still cute.

God's Perfect and Permissive Will

Ronnie and I were talking last night about this and it's still stirring in my head and heart.

Has there ever been a time in your life when you knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, what God's will was for your life at that moment? It may have been a job, a relationship, where you should live...but you KNEW that was God's will. God's PERFECT will is why we seek His face.

We desire the best that He has for us, but sometimes 'free will' gets in the way. Free will - you know that thing that God allows us to have so we're not just His puppets? And sometimes, God's Perfect will for our life is thwarted by the 'free will' of other humans (looking at you Joseph - with your nasty mean brothers). We then enter into the territory of God's PERMISSIVE will.

Now, it's one thing when WE make the choices that move us from His Perfect to Permissive will, but it's something totally different when someone else does it for you. As I was reading through a few things this morning trying to wrap my head around this topic, I found the story of "Jack and Jill".

The short version: Jack and Jill knew it was God's Perfect will for them to spend their lives together. Jack proposed. Jill said, "Yes." The day of the wedding comes and Jill becomes a run-a-way bride. Jack is instantly thrown from God's Perfect will into His Permissive will because of Jill's decision ('free will'). What does this mean for Jack? Does he now spend the rest of his life in God's Permissive will? Does he miss out on the blessings that come from walking in God's Perfect will? I suggest not. Mostly because Scripture tells me that 'all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.'

There comes a point when it's simply too late to 'go back', though - the moment has passed. Even if Jill had returned 6 or 7 months later, so much would've changed that God's Perfect will would no longer be God's Perfect will.  It's just sad and disappointing to know that God's Perfect will could have come to pass in a situation and then didn't because of someone exercising their 'free will'. (Selfish) It's frustrating to be the one who feels like you were cheated out of the best God had for you. However, because He works all things for good, you can know that He will redeem the situation.

Jill walked away from her faith and eventually ends up in a not-so-happy marriage. Jack? He's happily married and feels like through it all, God has blessed him and worked all things for good in His life.

A New Normal

Yesterday marked one year from the date that we moved everything into our apartment in Ohio. During the past year a lot has happened. I feel very blessed, but I've spent much of this year very frustrated, confused, and at times angry. Marriage is GREAT, but I have not worked full-time since June of 2011 and I H.A.T.E. it! (side note: for the stupid politicians out there who don't get it, let me give a real life example of why the government you've helped to create SUCKS! I have student loan debt because a degree supposedly = a job. SMH! So, now I have no job and a student loan because school costs too flippin' much to pay for out of pocket. I worked in a low-income school district for 6 years and you, Mr. Politician, work for a government that refused to forgive even a portion of my loans! You suck! Rant not over, but I'll save the rest for another day!)

This new chapter of our lives has been very good for Ronnie's career. He LOVES his job and God is providing, but I can't help but feel as though I should be doing more. I desire to do more with my life. I feel like I was made for more than just sitting at home. When we first moved, I felt a little jipped. I mean, I had established myself in Southern Illinois as a vocal instructor and coach. I had my own studio and students that I absolutely loved working with. (High School and College - those are the students I really like to work with!)

Here in Ohio, I still teach, but it's mostly kids - a lot of beginners. It is not my favorite time of the week and I really don't enjoy it like I used to. Right now, I'm just doing it for the money - and that stinks! I find plenty to keep me busy, but it just isn't the same as having a job AND finding plenty to do doesn't pay my student loans off or make a car payment.

I'm not certain if it is like this in other countries, but our identity in this country is wrapped up in what we do - not who we are. "Hi, I'm Sheena and I'm a _________. What do you do?" Even a year in, I still can't seem to identify myself beyond the things I 'do' and it's frustrating! I'm currently trying to accept this as my new normal and find what God has for me in all of this. I'm trying to seek His face and His will for me and I am praying for the courage and grace to accept whatever that is. I want to be able to walk through this next year content in knowing God has not forgotten me and that He has a plan for my life.

Diving Deeper

Recently, we studied Malachi at church. Malachi is tough, but something I think all believers need to be reminded of. God doesn't want our leftovers - our trash. He wants the best that we have to offer and sometimes that isn't so easy. Perhaps that is why it's called sacrifice.  Just going through the motions doesn't get it either. God desires authentic worship - a heart connected to the motions. In Malachi He asked that they just stop sacrificing. He preferred nothing at all to the junk they were offering.

We can't be a light in a 'dark world', royal priests, if we aren't giving God our very best. We must pursue God - follow hard after Him, lean heavily on Him. God is not pleased with half-hearted worship - apathetic worship - yet He will still pursue His own and He longs for the day when they/we will return. However, He did get FED UP with them and I think He gets FED UP with us.

God begins to call them (the Israelite priests) back to be the priests they were originally called to be - individuals who hold the knowledge and truth about God - His ways, His character - so that they could wisely and soundly counsel others. Today, the body of Christ lacks a depth to our knowledge of God. We can't fulfill our 'priestly duties' if we don't know scripture, if we don't possess a deep knowledge and truth about God. We can't be a "moral and ethical compass" (love this Pastor Keith!) or impart wisdom or provide sound counsel to others if we aren't disciplined enough to study scripture. 

So as I'm diving deeper, I'm going to encourage you to do the same. Give God your best and work towards being the 'royal priest' He has called you to be.

Another Attempt at Keepin' it Real

This week has not been the greatest. In fact I have pretty much not felt like I had much of a reason to get out of bed. Don't worry yourself...I did and I've walked 9 miles so far, but life has seemed pretty pointless this week.

This is the week I would have been starting a new job.

This is the week I've had to be the go-to person for a lot of things concerning that job because everyone else is out of town. It's frustrating to be 'good enough' to fill in and answer questions and give guidance, but not good enough to be actually fill the position.

People keep thinking I need something to do. I keep trying to figure out why...it's annoying! NOTE: I am perfectly capable of finding things to occupy my time. What I need is the job God intends for me to present itself and then me actually get the job. The end.

I am not having a problem understanding that God has a purpose and plan in all of this. I get that. I am struggling with what to do 'in the meantime'. I'm struggling with being gracious towards all involved. I feel as though my 'making the most' of the situation has caused people to forget that just a few short weeks ago I was heart-broken (and still am).

I don't know when I will get over it. I am working on it. Each day is a little different. Some days are actually ok. This entire week has NOT been ok. My tolerance for people, in general, is really low. I am a little snippy and easily annoyed.

I don't like being in this place and yet, here I am.

Walking in a Dense Fog

Today I am feeling frustrated. I don't want to use this space to whine and complain, but my sis-in-law and I talked about the importance of keeping it real. That's what I intend to do. At this present moment, what's real is that I'm frustrated and a bit of an emotional mess. Each day I put on a happy face, but some days that is more difficult than others. Still, I keep moving forward. Do I have any other options?

Right now I feel like I don't know what in the world I'm doing, what I'm supposed to be doing, or how to figure it out. I can't see. I can barely breathe. It's really dark - like walking through a dense fog. I feel like God keeps me in a constant state of not knowing what in the world is going on. If I ever get to a point of almost figuring something out, I think God is like, ok, moving on..." It's so flippin' frustrating right now!

I keep reminding myself of in the middle of the fog:
-God is with me. He didn't leave me here alone.
-I am blessed - no really. Even in the middle of the fog, I AM blessed and I know it!
-God is still providing (it may not be all I want, but it is apparently all I need).

I am trying to be faithful and obedient while putting one foot in front of the other. Mostly because that's all I know to do right now, but some days I feel overwhelmed by the fog. Today is one of those days.

Anyone else feeling like you're walking in a fog right now and are ready for the fog to lift?

If you're stopping by from Welcome Wednesday....WELCOME! Come back anytime.

...and the thunder rolls

Have you ever felt as though the will of man cheated you out of God's will for you? Believe me, I hadn't really given it much thought until the end of last week and now it just keeps circling in my thoughts.

I have refrained from sharing anything about this story on my blog. It was a roller coaster I really didn't want to re-ride day after day, but I am hoping this will help me process. Perhaps it will resonate with someone else, but it's mostly for me. Before I even go into the details of the past couple of months, know that I, in no way, believe that this story is over. "The End" has not yet been written, but I HATE roller coasters. They make me wanna throw up!

Right now? I'm exhausted and I want off of this ride!

On April 18th, our worship leader announced to the worship team that he would be leaving in July. I have only been with this team since January, but they've become great friends - a family to me. Our worship leader is an amazing man of God and the thought of he and his family being ripped out of my life left me feeling lost and upset. I weeped for days! Funny thing is - they're moving to Illinois! (God thinks he's funny!)

During the 10 days that followed, an ugly scene unfolded. It was most certainly a time of God making Himself known. Those 10 days were nothing short of a wrestling match with God. This 'stubborn child' phase, (or as I refer to it - my 'kid in the cereal aisle fit') ALWAYS comes when God has something He desires for me to do and I'm trying to convince Him that He doesn't (often because I realize that it's going to require a LOT from me AND it's going to push me WAY beyond the point of being comfortable!). I can name multiple occasions where this has happened. (not proud of the fit-pitching and I'm working on being joyfully obedient the instant He speaks, but I'm not there yet!).

I have been praying about what God would have me do since before we moved in October. God provides, but He did not call me to Ohio to be a housewife or a stay-at-home mom (no offense ladies, but it takes a special person and God didn't build me like that!). Full-time worship leader wasn't even on my radar, but I feel as though God made it incredibly clear that He had just opened the door. The season of being still and waiting was because the position wasn't ready.

I will spare you the bloody details, but know that every, single day during that 10 day period, God provided conformation of His will. I laid out my 'fleece' on the 6th day. The 7th day God answered my prayer. He didn't just stop there, though. The conformations continued (because God likes to out-do Himself).On the 10th day, He provided an AMAZING devotion on discerning your calling. I turned in my application the following day. (#youcanrunbutyoucan'thide - for you Crys)

After 2 rounds of interviews in June, where I was one of 2 final candidates, they're hiring the other guy. (Let me be clear here - I'm certain that he is wonderful and my issues are NOT with him. I will continue to serve under his leadership because God called hubby and I to this particular body of believers and He led me to be on this worship team. Period.) The last several days have been nothings short of emotionally exhausting, though. I'm not going to lay out all of my frustration on here -that's not my purpose. Just know that my frustrations revolve around the way things were handled, the reason I was given for the decision that was made, and that I felt I had a clear answer from God regarding my calling. God clearly opened a door. It has now been slammed shut and I feel as though it was the will of man that slammed it - not God.

So, here's my request: Pray that God will clearly reveal Himself and His perfect will. Pray that if His will HAS been done, that I would have peace and know that the past couple of months were simply an exercise in my being obedient. However, if His will has yet to be accomplished, that He WOULD have His way (and as hubby put it, that it wouldn't take 40 years of us wandering in a desert for it to happen). Someone (or possibly more than one someone) in this situation lacked discernment. I want to draw closer to God through all of this so that if I was the one lacking, in the future I will most certainly not be.