A New Normal

Yesterday marked one year from the date that we moved everything into our apartment in Ohio. During the past year a lot has happened. I feel very blessed, but I've spent much of this year very frustrated, confused, and at times angry. Marriage is GREAT, but I have not worked full-time since June of 2011 and I H.A.T.E. it! (side note: for the stupid politicians out there who don't get it, let me give a real life example of why the government you've helped to create SUCKS! I have student loan debt because a degree supposedly = a job. SMH! So, now I have no job and a student loan because school costs too flippin' much to pay for out of pocket. I worked in a low-income school district for 6 years and you, Mr. Politician, work for a government that refused to forgive even a portion of my loans! You suck! Rant not over, but I'll save the rest for another day!)

This new chapter of our lives has been very good for Ronnie's career. He LOVES his job and God is providing, but I can't help but feel as though I should be doing more. I desire to do more with my life. I feel like I was made for more than just sitting at home. When we first moved, I felt a little jipped. I mean, I had established myself in Southern Illinois as a vocal instructor and coach. I had my own studio and students that I absolutely loved working with. (High School and College - those are the students I really like to work with!)

Here in Ohio, I still teach, but it's mostly kids - a lot of beginners. It is not my favorite time of the week and I really don't enjoy it like I used to. Right now, I'm just doing it for the money - and that stinks! I find plenty to keep me busy, but it just isn't the same as having a job AND finding plenty to do doesn't pay my student loans off or make a car payment.

I'm not certain if it is like this in other countries, but our identity in this country is wrapped up in what we do - not who we are. "Hi, I'm Sheena and I'm a _________. What do you do?" Even a year in, I still can't seem to identify myself beyond the things I 'do' and it's frustrating! I'm currently trying to accept this as my new normal and find what God has for me in all of this. I'm trying to seek His face and His will for me and I am praying for the courage and grace to accept whatever that is. I want to be able to walk through this next year content in knowing God has not forgotten me and that He has a plan for my life.

Another Attempt at Keepin' it Real

This week has not been the greatest. In fact I have pretty much not felt like I had much of a reason to get out of bed. Don't worry yourself...I did and I've walked 9 miles so far, but life has seemed pretty pointless this week.

This is the week I would have been starting a new job.

This is the week I've had to be the go-to person for a lot of things concerning that job because everyone else is out of town. It's frustrating to be 'good enough' to fill in and answer questions and give guidance, but not good enough to be actually fill the position.

People keep thinking I need something to do. I keep trying to figure out why...it's annoying! NOTE: I am perfectly capable of finding things to occupy my time. What I need is the job God intends for me to present itself and then me actually get the job. The end.

I am not having a problem understanding that God has a purpose and plan in all of this. I get that. I am struggling with what to do 'in the meantime'. I'm struggling with being gracious towards all involved. I feel as though my 'making the most' of the situation has caused people to forget that just a few short weeks ago I was heart-broken (and still am).

I don't know when I will get over it. I am working on it. Each day is a little different. Some days are actually ok. This entire week has NOT been ok. My tolerance for people, in general, is really low. I am a little snippy and easily annoyed.

I don't like being in this place and yet, here I am.

Que Sera, Sera

Have you ever been at a point in your life where you have every reason to freak out, but you are cool as a cucumber because you have simply resolved yourself to the fact that God is in control and you have sought His face until you don't know what else to say to Him - and you have finally reached a point where all you can say is whatever will be, will be...it is what it is....?

No, it doesn't really happen that often for me either, but that's where I am currently - perfectly peaceful...until my mind wanders. If I prayed 2 Cor. 10:5 once today, I have prayed it 50 times! "...take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ." SO. ANNOYING.

So, I'm declaring things I already know, but need to remind myself of after a day of having to repeat that Scripture over and over and OVER again.  God is in control. His will WILL be done. He loves me. He cares about the desires of my heart. My job is to continue to be faithful and obedient in the here and now.

Freak out over.

Meddling in God's Business

So, this week I have been BORED and I have publicly complained about it, but in the women's group I attend at church, some things were pointed out to me that I hadn't really thought about.

I have ALWAYS worked - and not just one job, but several most of the time. I am used to being really busy. This only adds to my seeming inability to BE STILL and enjoy this season of my life. Now don't get me wrong, there are really good days...Tuesday was a REALLY good day (other than the fact that it felt like flippin' July outside!). I went to Target to get a few things, then I drove around town and found a new place to eat at (for my IL readers - it's a lot like Harbaugh's in Cdale). Sweet Pea Cafe. It was so pleasant and relaxing and YUMMY. THEN I went to my new favorite place (move over Blake's there's a new cupcake place and it's closer to my house and their cupcakes are better!). It's called PureDelite and it IS nothing short of delightful. If you come to visit me we ARE going there! Just sayin'!

That was my "SQUIRREL!" moment. Now back to regularly scheduled programming.

How do we know if we are following God's will? For instance, I am wanting to work. I would like a new car (which means I need a job). However, everything I have applied for, looked at, thought about, checked into (you get the point) has yielded no job. What does one make of this?

I know that I have a problem with the BE STILL part of Be Still and Know That I Am God. I could assume that much of this has to do with the fact that it isn't time for me to work or the job isn't ready for me and God is using this season to torture me into teach me about being still. (We keep going back to this lesson. I am thinking I may be a little slow.) However, I feel lazy. I feel like I should be DOING more. I look for jobs, but I honestly feel like when it's time, it will be incredibly obvious. Yet knowing that doesn't help me be still. Do you see my dilemma?

I think alot of times I am tempted to meddle in things that I have no business meddling in because I feel like I need to DO something. I know it's an exercise in futility and it will only lead to dissatisfaction yet my flesh thinks that God needs a little assistance.

Crys is trying to ack-sen-choo-ate the positive and I am going to follow her example. The ladies in my group pointed out a few good things that are coming out of this season and I have since thought of a few more.

During this season, I have made some great friends and have had time to invest in relationships with people...time to sit across from a table and actually talk to someone without doing 15 other things. I have most certainly taken that for granted. A lot of people move to a new place and have no time to develop relationship and end up feeling very lonely and isolated. Not an issue here because I have a lot of awesome people who love on me constantly here.

I have been able to drive around Northeast Ohio and find cool, fun places (and delicious cupcakes!) that I would have never found had I been working.

I have time to make dinner almost every night and sit down and spend time with my husband because I have gotten all of the housework and grocery shopping done while he is at work.

And there is no way that I would've made things like necklaces and scarves when I was working all of the time. Who has time for that crap? Oh wait - I do. And today I'm thankful.

Authenticity

What answer do you expect when you ask someone, "How are you doing?" Do you really want to know the answer to your question, or are you asking out of social obligation? If they reply with more than one word, do you suddenly become uncomfortable? Or, are you disappointed or frustrated when you only get a one word answer?

What answer do you give when someone asks you the question? Do you reply with "Fine", "Ok", "Alright", or is your response honest and a little more descriptive than a simple "Fine"?

It bugs me when someone obviously isn't fine, but says that they are. I typically don't ask how you are or what's going on in your life if I don't want to know, but I am guilty of asking at times that don't allow for adequate time to respond in an honest manner. And I am totally guilty of answering a quick "fine" or "good" in response to someone's question, but get frustrated when that's all I get from someone else. I think I do it because I feel like sometimes people only ask out of social obligation. At other times it just feels plain awkward to give a genuine, honest response (probably because that isn't the 'norm').

Why do we do these things? Do we not have time to stop and listen (or talk - depending on which side you're on)? Are we really so busy that we don't have time for people? Or is it just strange and awkward to talk about what's actually going on in our lives? It is easier to say, "Fine," than to be transparent?

Last Sunday our Pastor talked about authenticity and the importance of it in the body of Christ. When we give the answer of 'fine', we're pretty much not doing anything to build a relationship with another member of 'the body'. Authenticity is one of those things that we could all stand to work on a little (or a lot) - mostly because we aren't that great at it on a consistent basis. We don't always accept people for who they are. Society has this habit of wanting people to fit some mold and sometimes, the church does the same thing. But the truth is, God designed us to be uniquely different. As the body of Christ, shouldn't we embrace those differences and build on individual strengths?

An authentic life is a transparent life. Transparency can leave you feeling vulnerable - naked - but the truth is, you're pretty naked before God already. He knows that you don't have it all together. I am finding that it's liberating to admit I don't have it all together (which requires my being a little more transparent when asked questions that I'm so tempted to just give a one-word response to). Relationships grow and the body of Christ is strengthened through authenticity.